Things That Would Never Happen To Me Professionally If I had a Penis.

In the face of the epidemic of violence against women and the denial of our basic right to have agency of our own bodies, it feels self-indulgent to whine about the small indignities I have to face in my otherwise pretty freaking awesome and privileged life.  But the small stuff I face day to day is indicative of the larger picture. I use to dislike talking about being a woman working in the film & TV industry. I would joke that the only downside I had encountered being a female director was that male directors seemed to get offered way more sex than me. I wanted everyone to stop talking about my gender and let me make another movie already.  I realize now that is a losing strategy, and if we want anything to change we have to speak up.  Also some recent events have really freaking pissed me off.  So for what it's worth, here is my list of "Things that would never happen to me professionally if I had a penis" Maybe some of it will make you laugh if it doesn't make you cry

No one would think I was given an opportunity because of my gender.
In complete defiance of logic, more than one of my white male classmates (the majority of the class) at film school told me "It will be easier for you to get funding because the funding bodies want to finance women filmmakers. " While they, poor loves, would have to compete for funding based solely on their ability.

I would not be talked about in meetings while I am still in the room.
Here are some gems for your enjoyment;
‘She looks like a girl, how does that work on set."
"She is too attractive to be a director."
"She looks very young."
"She's not actually that young.  She has two children".
 "She is very funny. She should be writing comedy."

My appearance would not be discussed at meetings.
This has happened at every "Hollywood" meeting I have ever been to.  Every single one, every single time.

I would not be asked how a location shoot is going to affect my family and how was I going to "make that work."                                                                                                                                                               My husband says that if there is going to be a lot of travel or a relocation involved, he asks all potential hires how that is going to work with their family. I don't think he is representative of the norm (that's why I married him) I also know that male directors are never asked about their child care arrangements.

No one would discuss what and how much I eat.
I got teased about this article for years. It's not only journalists. It has been discussed at lunch and dinner meeting and by crew at the craft table.

No one would ask me if a colleague took on a lot of the "responsibility" (The DOP or Co-Writer for instance) and imply that I am taking credit for their work.

No one would think that it was unusual or cool that I like genre films. I wouldn't hear "Wow you know a lot about horror films." 

A studio executive would not feel the need to put me back in my place because I used a word he didn't know.
 It was just like that scene in Reality Bites where Winona Ryder is asked to define irony. Except in some weird studio executive jujitsu swaparoo move, I had used the word, knew what it meant, and I was the one that ended up feeling humiliated. The huge irony, the word he asked me to define was solipsistic. He jokingly said he knew what it meant but that he thought he's more junior African-American colleague probably didn't. Ha ha ha. This still may have happened if I was a dude, but I doubt it. In the remaining hideously uncomfortable minutes of the meeting, the words ‘commercial' ‘board popular appeal' and ‘accessible to a large audience' were used an inordinate number of times.  And it was clear I was never taking another meeting there again. In a not so side note: The project that I was pitching for was put into turnaround by the studio because they didn't think there was an audience for a sophisticated retelling of a fairytale, where the main character was a solipsistic teenage girl.

I would not be asked all the time if I am interested in acting.  
This happens to me less now I am of a certain age. It is often said to me as a form of flattery (oh you're so attractive and engaging. You could act) sort of in the same way male actors are flattered by being asked if they want to direct.

Things I say would not have to be repeated by a male colleague to be heard.
This manifests its self in two ways.  The first AD having to repeat what I've said before the crew act on it and people thinking someone else in the room had my idea. i.e. " What he said about X was really clever" when I had said the clever thing about X. This cartoon is so true to my experience it hurts.

I wouldn't get sent moronic and totally misogynistic scripts because the producers think if they can get a woman to direct it will be considered controversial, and they can make a quick buck.  Just to be clear guys, having women create images of their own degradation is never “subversive” or “empowering” it just, adds another level of "ugh really". Yes porn industry and pop music I am looking at you

Ladies, please join me in this cathartic list making. Put your list of "Things that would never happen to me professionally if I had a penis" in the comments. You don't have to work in film and TV. Sadly I am sure this works for every profession.